Relationships
Emotions
Relationships

What You're Really Arguing About

Find the real conflict underneath the fight you keep having.

The fight is not about the dishes. It is not about being late. The same argument keeps returning in new costumes because something underneath it has never been said clearly. Here is a place to say it clearly, even if only to yourself first

1. Describe the argument you have already had six times. What is the surface issue? What sentences do you both reliably land on?

2. What are you trying to get them to understand about you? Underneath the complaint is usually a claim about how you feel in this relationship. Write that claim, in one sentence.

3. Which feeling is the anger saving you from? Anger is often the cheaper option. Hurt, fear, embarrassment, and disappointment all cost more to admit out loud.

4. Write the request. One sentence, with no complaint hidden inside it. "I need you to stop being selfish" is a complaint wearing a request's clothes. Ask for one specific thing you actually want.

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